Frequently Arsed Questions

You have questions?  So do we!

 

  1. Who ate the last piece of fat rascal in the warehouse kitchen?

  2. Who keeps turning the thermostat to artic blast and 

  3. Who changed our email password! We swear it was password1234.

Oh, you have questions about Uranus Wiper?
Well, that makes more sense.

We didn’t think you would know who ate the fat rascal or anything about our password anyway. 

Here are some questions we get asked all the time about Uranus Wiper that we can't be arsed with politely answering for the 72nd time.

Have a read here before sending our Grooms of the Stool an email, it keeps them from getting gassy with hypoallergenic, non-gmo, BPA-free rage.

Errm no...That would be like emailing your ex about your current significant other's problems. Tell it to them. Come back to us when you’re ready for the real deal.

Some email providers inappropraitely think our name is bonkers and inappropriate and may send our emails to your email spam, junk, or promotions folder. Take a look there.

Are you still on the toilet waiting? Wow! Your legs have to be numb as heck by now! Well, you have time, since you can’t stand, to check your order confirmation email for the tracking number. Failing that, let the Grooms of the Stool know and they will help you….with your order. You’re going to have to learn to walk again all on your own.

How messed up? Like someone ELSE used it for its intended purpose and then gave it to you? Did you do something to offend the delivery driver? We would suggest getting them a gift or at least sending a “Thank You” card for all the deliveries that they did make that weren’t covered in….well, you know. Then you can email us and we’ll sort it out for you.

Yes of course. We use the latest encryption software to ensure your details are safe and transactions are secure. And we reprimanded the intern that claimed a client order gave them a PlayStation 5 with their toilet roll order.

We don’t know if there is a scientific name for it but it did involve some sushi purchased from a petrol station that had been sitting at room temperature for two days.

We could, or you could just go listen to the voice mail we left on your next-door neighbours answering machine. It was our finest work. It included choice words like compost, humus, silt, pumice and gravels.

100 per cent. But they don’t have thumbs so it’s hard for them to use the paper.

We failed secondary school science, but we're going to go ahead and say you should keep our toilet roll and anything you make around our toilet rolls away from open flame.

We're 99 per cent sure it was a Prince. No one wants dingleberries.

We're very certain that this “fact” is full of s….well…something you’d use our toilet rolls for.

I would first give your compliments to the chef and let the other guest know that you’re “making room for more in the porcelain throne room”. Always a classic.

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