Free UK delivery that is also carbon-neutral 🙌

For our friends and customers within the UK, we offer free delivery on all Uranus Wiper orders.
Our esteemed wiping friends and customers in the Scottish Highlands & Islands, Northern Ireland and the Isle of Man also get free delivery.

Delivery times

We aim to deliver your order by the next working day if your order is placed before 9pm. Impressive right?

As a caring brand we achieve this by incentivising our dispatch teams with the following perks:

  • Free Haribo bumper packs on demand
  • 24/7 access to the Uranus Wiper ‘dial a cuddle’ hotline for under-the-weather packers
  • Tickets to Alton Towers or Disney World year-end bonus (subject to 2 ride maximum)
  • Christmas hamper-ette containing 1 x party hat, ½ a Xmas pudding, and a large walnut

Working days for us are Monday to Friday (not including UK Bank / Public Holidays).

What about delivery to the Channel Islands or British Overseas Territories?

For our Channel Islands or British Overseas Territories friends and customers, we tried to reason with the courier companies to provide you free shipping but they literally removed us from the WhatsApp group chat for pushing the issue a bit too hard. So sorry, no free delivery yet for the Channel Islands or British Overseas Territories.

When you buy from the Channel Islands or British Overseas Territories, our interplanetary algorithms* will automatically calculate the final delivery costs for you before you checkout.

*Notes about our interplanetary algorithms below for maths enthusiasts.

In the spirit of openness fostered here at Uranus Wiper, we outline our Channel Islands or British Overseas Territories delivery cost algorithm below, in its full splendour.

  • <<Let S = the distance between the Uranus Wiper Super-hub and the customer’s loo.
  • Let H = the height of the director in feet and inches.
  • Let IT = the small change in the Finance Director’s trouser pockets at the time of shipment.

Therefore, the delivery cost for Channel Islands or British Overseas Territories customers is;

(DC) = S + H + IT divided by the square root of Alphonsus’s National Insurance number (Alphonsus runs the Uranus Wiper canteen kitchen).>>

We trust that’s clear.

Woman thinking


We have given this a lot of thought and this is the bottom line. Uranus Wiper ticks lots of "able" boxes such as:

  • FlushABLE
  • BiodegradABLE
  • CompostABLE
  • RecyclABLE

However, one box it does not tick is the ReusABLE box for obvious hygiene and sanitary reasons (even during a toilet paper apocalypse).

As a result of this, we generally will not accept returns or process refunds of toilet roll or wipes that have been opened or used. 

We guarantee your Uranus Wiper will do exactly what it says on the box but if you change your mind, we will urge you to donate the unused or unopened product to your local food bank or at a supermarket collection point.

Find your nearest food bank on the Trussell Trust website using The Trussell Trust find a food bank tool.

The Trussell Trust is an anti-poverty charity that supports a network of over 1,200 food bank centres nationwide. Providing emergency food to people living in crisis, and offering additional support and campaigning for change to work towards a future where food banks are no longer needed.

Alternatively, you may return any unused or unopened products in their original packaging within 30 days of the delivery date.

Once we receive the returns, we will process your refund. Please note, you will be required to cover the postage cost of your return.

Get in touch with us via to start the returns process. When shipping, you should consider using a trackable shipping service.

Missing orders

Should your order go missing during delivery, don't fret! Reach out to us pronto at

We'll initiate our top-secret 'Find the Delivery Person" mission, which involves a bit of treacle and red ants. Just kidding, we'll help you out.

You should quote your order number ( Ur12xxxx56Anus) and we will find out what happened to it and get it to you as quickly as we can.