Uranus Wiper prove Infinite Monkey Theory False!
Whoopsie Gruntfuttock here again with more of my moans from the throne. This month’s blog is a science special. Those of us old enough to remember the slide rule may struggle here, but I’ll try to keep the equations to a minimum.
As of today, a central pillar of statistics lies in ruins. The headline in the Chipping Sudbury Bugle said it all: ‘Law of Nature overturned as Uranus Wiper prove Infinite Monkey Theory False!’
Boffins have long claimed that in an infinite universe, given an infinite amount of time, all events, however improbable, must happen. The theory states that if you gave an infinite number of monkeys a typewriter each, they would eventually prove that at some point between yesterday and the heat death of our sun, each of us will run out of toilet paper. Yet with Uranus Wiper’s repeat order shipping, you never will.
‘We were gob-smacked when the data came back,’ Chuffer Faraday, dean of the faculty of arse-science at Grimsby Polytechnic, said. ‘Not one primate — from Japanese macaque to Great Tufted Galapagos Canopy Shuffler could demonstrate how Uranus Wiper’s shipping magic could, so readily, turn science on its head.
The computer system used for the experiment used real monkeys in the trial run, but they went bananas, there was poop everywhere, and the cleaner quit!
Those of you who didn’t squander their education smoking Woodbine round the back of the science huts will know that reaching for a few squares of bog roll and grasping nothing but thin air has always been considered an inevitable part of human experience. Not any more. Uranus Wiper has put paid to that. With repeat orders, the chances of having to use a tenner out of your pocketbook as part of your post-poop-pampering procedure are lower than the bar in the Olympic limbo dancing finals.’
Where does the collapse of the Infinite Monkey Theory leave us? Chuffer had this to say:
‘Two of the three legs on the milking stool of our scientific understanding of the toilet paper supply chain have fallen off, and the milkmaid has gone arse-over-ninepence into the butter churns. In the initial panic, we even considered checking whether water was now running uphill.’
Well, that’s us for another day. And not one equation was mentioned. I’ll catch you next time around. Have a nice day.
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